This is my home.

I try to spend my life learning from past experiences. I feel that being carefree had always fulfilled my promises and desires. I've found that over time, I grow more controlling of situations before me. This feeling is unsatisfying. Not only unsatisfying, but it's completely not who I want to be. My compulsions to have things go the way I want them and to the expectations I have already set only send me into a downward spiral of worries and upsets. It points out a series of unfortunate let downs. However, the times in which I've successfully relaxed my mind, my heart, and my body... my entire life starts to work out the way I have always wanted.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out this need of control, which tends to leave me complaining or nagging. I feel like it's the fear that I'm being fooled. That everything is too good to be true, and there lies a dark world I'm completely oblivious of. These things may be true, in few situations, but reacting in such a manner has never helped my situation. In fact, I feel like the controlling female that loves something too much and suffocates it. I've encountered a lot of situations where I'm the fool. And the feelings that stem from those situations have only been forgiven and forgotten. But, the future possibilities of being fooled anger me, and I always try to find the truth and put myself on top. Pride.

I've learned very important lessons on humility. Lessons that I've based my life on, learned from (even though I've never experienced them). To see the pain behind the eyes that shared these stories.... I never want to feel that pain. But, I've never wanted to feel the anxiety of always looking out for myself.

I mean this is all branches of my life. Love life, friend life, school life, and family life.

I can never begin to explain how great it feels when things go right with no effort to control it. It's no comparison to how things go right after I instigate or overachieve a situation. That's just tiring. But, the feeling of it all being your dream with no effort. It's beautiful.

This is my concept of my life. Regardless that I don't live it everyday. It's such an astounding idea. To try to put 100% trust in everything, in every aspect. To be completely wide-eyed and innocent to all situations. To have no pent up, repressed anxiety about how something will pan out. To just let my life happen.

My mother once told me she was afraid for me. She said she knew when I loved people, I'd put my trust in them and never second guess it. She said I love with no judgment or accusations. This is how she loved people and she had experienced the life as a judge less human. We discussed several thoughts and worries she had for me, and told me clues to look for. These clues stand by me today, everyday. And in one glimpse of those clues, I'll abort that subject completely. But, on the foundation she thought me, I feel like it sets me up to completely over exaggerate qualities or situations.

So, I've discovered a balance. I plan to lead a life of trust, complete trust, with no nativity. To be aware things happen, life happens, and it won't always go my way. But to lead a life worth living through judge less eyes that are ready to live. And ready to not hold anything back. This life, I believe, will settle my mind, my spirit, and my soul to enjoy the years and never soil a beautiful thing on the basis of my fear of it not lasting forever.

Black ribbon across the sky
The movement.
Fluid.
Expanding, contracting all the time
Lost in the breeze.
Gone.
I brush my fingertips across this blue infinity,
Over my head, under your bodies.
Fathom.
Across the power lines, disappearing in the trees
You've lost my eyes little wings.
Dancing.
In the end, I find myself smiling.

A breath escapes me. Not through my mouth or my nose.
Through my heart, a clinching pain.
A body unknown to me, never crossed paths.
My footsteps embedded where his ended. A never-ending search.
A gasp. A realization.
One minute. Two minute. Three minute.
Three, two, one. Impossible, unimaginable.
A helpless scavenger. A lost soul. Silent.
Still, silent. Still, floating.
His footsteps were right after mine.

Most people read the newspaper while they walk to work. Just to be informed. To have facts - not fiction - to converse about. Walking amongst graffiti embedded concrete walls that lead no navigation. Walking, running. Reading the newspaper. To be informed. I find myself a little dry-hearted. Enrichment ceases. The life of a faceless business man proceeds. Coffee stains on your paperwork must get old, old man. Maybe set two feet to the left and you'll feel some spontaneity.

I can't even recognize what comes out of my fingertips
When you grab the pencil and make me follow. Babbling nonsense
about conceptual thought. My thoughts are thoughts just the same as yours.
How can I show you my own interpretations when you just impose on me
the thoughts that burrow in a mind not mine.
I am made of the same potential, the same matter.
But, the garden doesn't grow if you never start.
You don't know the possibilities of my mind, my hands, my lines.
Excuse me, dictator. I need a little space, a little space for my thoughts.
A free blank piece of paper that has nothing but my own.

Whats the feeling that borrows in my soul when I see the glitter of southern cotton littering the highway. Off the shoulders, it glimmers. From window to window, patches of earth with radiant colors gleam as my grandmothers quilt that keeps me warm at night. We can't deny our roots - baby. We are this. Our homey connections to the southern land. With music playing in my ears, in my own script - my shadow races before me to discover the opportunities. To discover the possibilities. To experience before I do. The colors of this earth, the season enriches me. Tires me. The rest awaits. This is the final fanfare before hibernation. Mother nature has to break too, Laura. She's gotta sleep, so she can show us her infinite beauty. All of that damn potential. Then, the cycle starts all over again.

The sun never sleeps.