I try to spend my life learning from past experiences. I feel that being carefree had always fulfilled my promises and desires. I've found that over time, I grow more controlling of situations before me. This feeling is unsatisfying. Not only unsatisfying, but it's completely not who I want to be. My compulsions to have things go the way I want them and to the expectations I have already set only send me into a downward spiral of worries and upsets. It points out a series of unfortunate let downs. However, the times in which I've successfully relaxed my mind, my heart, and my body... my entire life starts to work out the way I have always wanted.
I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out this need of control, which tends to leave me complaining or nagging. I feel like it's the fear that I'm being fooled. That everything is too good to be true, and there lies a dark world I'm completely oblivious of. These things may be true, in few situations, but reacting in such a manner has never helped my situation. In fact, I feel like the controlling female that loves something too much and suffocates it. I've encountered a lot of situations where I'm the fool. And the feelings that stem from those situations have only been forgiven and forgotten. But, the future possibilities of being fooled anger me, and I always try to find the truth and put myself on top. Pride.
I've learned very important lessons on humility. Lessons that I've based my life on, learned from (even though I've never experienced them). To see the pain behind the eyes that shared these stories.... I never want to feel that pain. But, I've never wanted to feel the anxiety of always looking out for myself.
I mean this is all branches of my life. Love life, friend life, school life, and family life.
I can never begin to explain how great it feels when things go right with no effort to control it. It's no comparison to how things go right after I instigate or overachieve a situation. That's just tiring. But, the feeling of it all being your dream with no effort. It's beautiful.
This is my concept of my life. Regardless that I don't live it everyday. It's such an astounding idea. To try to put 100% trust in everything, in every aspect. To be completely wide-eyed and innocent to all situations. To have no pent up, repressed anxiety about how something will pan out. To just let my life happen.
My mother once told me she was afraid for me. She said she knew when I loved people, I'd put my trust in them and never second guess it. She said I love with no judgment or accusations. This is how she loved people and she had experienced the life as a judge less human. We discussed several thoughts and worries she had for me, and told me clues to look for. These clues stand by me today, everyday. And in one glimpse of those clues, I'll abort that subject completely. But, on the foundation she thought me, I feel like it sets me up to completely over exaggerate qualities or situations.
So, I've discovered a balance. I plan to lead a life of trust, complete trust, with no nativity. To be aware things happen, life happens, and it won't always go my way. But to lead a life worth living through judge less eyes that are ready to live. And ready to not hold anything back. This life, I believe, will settle my mind, my spirit, and my soul to enjoy the years and never soil a beautiful thing on the basis of my fear of it not lasting forever.
I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out this need of control, which tends to leave me complaining or nagging. I feel like it's the fear that I'm being fooled. That everything is too good to be true, and there lies a dark world I'm completely oblivious of. These things may be true, in few situations, but reacting in such a manner has never helped my situation. In fact, I feel like the controlling female that loves something too much and suffocates it. I've encountered a lot of situations where I'm the fool. And the feelings that stem from those situations have only been forgiven and forgotten. But, the future possibilities of being fooled anger me, and I always try to find the truth and put myself on top. Pride.
I've learned very important lessons on humility. Lessons that I've based my life on, learned from (even though I've never experienced them). To see the pain behind the eyes that shared these stories.... I never want to feel that pain. But, I've never wanted to feel the anxiety of always looking out for myself.
I mean this is all branches of my life. Love life, friend life, school life, and family life.
I can never begin to explain how great it feels when things go right with no effort to control it. It's no comparison to how things go right after I instigate or overachieve a situation. That's just tiring. But, the feeling of it all being your dream with no effort. It's beautiful.
This is my concept of my life. Regardless that I don't live it everyday. It's such an astounding idea. To try to put 100% trust in everything, in every aspect. To be completely wide-eyed and innocent to all situations. To have no pent up, repressed anxiety about how something will pan out. To just let my life happen.
My mother once told me she was afraid for me. She said she knew when I loved people, I'd put my trust in them and never second guess it. She said I love with no judgment or accusations. This is how she loved people and she had experienced the life as a judge less human. We discussed several thoughts and worries she had for me, and told me clues to look for. These clues stand by me today, everyday. And in one glimpse of those clues, I'll abort that subject completely. But, on the foundation she thought me, I feel like it sets me up to completely over exaggerate qualities or situations.
So, I've discovered a balance. I plan to lead a life of trust, complete trust, with no nativity. To be aware things happen, life happens, and it won't always go my way. But to lead a life worth living through judge less eyes that are ready to live. And ready to not hold anything back. This life, I believe, will settle my mind, my spirit, and my soul to enjoy the years and never soil a beautiful thing on the basis of my fear of it not lasting forever.
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